Rant of The Week - Impatient Till Twerps

Some Mum's humorous rant about the all-too-familiar laborious supermarket shop (specifically in Aldi) has gone viral this week. It is all over the news and is, in my opinion, very amusing and accurate. (See here!)

Some people have responded poorly to the tirade, fiercely defending their dearest Aldi like a lioness with her cubs. I think that they are sadly missing the point though, as it is clearly intended to be light-hearted. Plus, everyone knows that everyone loves Aldi really (although I have to admit that, for me, Lidl has the edge at present - eek!)

Anyway, this vent got me thinking and chuckling to myself the next time I visited a shop (Home Bargains to be exact). I am in the fortunate position of being pregnant and so I had no squawking children to endure (I just get the rib kicks).

I did, however, spot Doreen the Rebel cascading the wrong way down the aisles. I also observed a whinging Wendy, complaining about the price of baked beans, a coughing Joe, delightfully spreading his germs to poor, unsuspecting shoppers (which of course consisted typically of an aisle full) and a sluggish Sharon, who spent at least half an hour pondering over each individual shelf, inconveniently exactly where you wanted to be at the exact time you wanted to be there.

Usually, I would be seething by the end of a shop - especially after having to withstand the people mentioned above. However, I was in an unusually good mood as I had picked up some cheap Jaffa Cakes from the bargains bit at the front of the store. So, I began to load my shopping onto the conveyor belt at a leisurely pace, dreamily anticipating tucking into my Jaffas. Then, suddenly, I felt a warm spout of air on the back of my neck. I shivered.

Was it a ghost?! Was it the reaper finally coming to condemn me of all of my sins?! Had I allowed my greed for Jaffa Cakes to consume me to the point of sinning?!...

Oh. No.

It seemed I had a shadow.

It was Impatient Irene.

Throughout the full process of loading my items and shuffling forwards to the till, Irene stuck to me like a leech. I could feel every breath on the back of my neck, I could hear every sigh... Every time I glanced backwards I could sense her hollow eyes boring into me...'hurry up, hurry up'...

There is such a thing as personal space and she was breaching this massively. She may as well have been pressing against my arse! I felt like bending over and yelling 'fancy kissing it? You're close enough!' Ha! I would have done too if I hadn't have felt so conscious that a fart may have escaped (I don't trust my bum as much anymore since becoming pregnant). My back was also playing up and preventing me from bending, which was also very unfortunate.

Why is it that these impatient twonks think that practically pressing against your backside and giving you the death stare will compel you into hurrying up?! If anything, it compels me to hurl the item divider at their face. Unfortunately, this may be classed as assault and so I have to instead satisfy myself by slamming it down on the conveyor belt whilst 'accidentally' knocking off some of their shopping.

Fortunately, I am way, way past the stage of submission and take great pleasure in holding these vultures up. I couldn't help thinking, however, of other poor souls who may give in due to feeling uncomfortable. Please, don't! We need to make a stand against these impatient Irenes and Vernon vultures. They can wait!

Well, Irene. I hope you forgot to fasten your boot so consequently all of your shopping fell out. I hope this occured whilst you were stuck behind a learner driver travelling at 10mph in a 40mph zone, because we all know how frustrating that would be for you.